Closer
felisblanco
NC-17 Liam/Will
Will is a lonely club-goer looking to make a connection…but an encounter with a dominating stranger might turn out to be more than he bargained for.
Warnings for: This fic is dark. It deals with the topic of questionable consensuality and date rape. It seeks to deal with the complexity of emotions involved in such a scenario realistically, and may be upsetting to some readers. Additionally, there are D/s overtones and some daddy!kink.
See Disclaimer of Ownership here
Notes: The song is Closer by Nine Inch Nails.
Walking through the crowd of go-getters. Everyone hurrying along to their respective jobs and appointments, talking on cell phones, waving for cabs, cursing all the other people getting in their way. He held the bag with his laptop close to his side, eyes shifting back and forth, heart beating in his chest. Breathe, breathe.
Going down the steps to the tube was another ordeal. The broken light flickering kept prodding his memory for things he didn’t want to think of, the heat from the mass of people rushing toward their destination, elbows jabbing his sides, the smell of too many bodies cramped into the small space attacking his nostrils; he wanted to curl up on the floor and cry. Breathe, breathe.
Somehow he managed to get on the right train and held on for dear life as he bumped back and forth. A tall man was standing right behind him, he could feel him breathing down his neck and for a moment he closed his eyes, shifting to another time, another place. When he was someone else. Breathe, breathe.
The ‘Scuse me’ woke him up from his nightmare and he shuffled to let people getting off pass. Even more passengers quickly replaced them and he felt like he was suffocating. Only two more stops. Two more stops. Someone brushed against his arse and he stiffened. Breathe, breathe.
He could feel panic welling up inside him, his head felt dizzy and his sweaty hand kept slipping off the pole. Another stop. Ten off, twenty on. The breathing on his neck started again, a man two feet away was staring at him, that girl was talking to her friends, laughing. Was she laughing at him? Was she? God, he had to get off. Breathe, breathe.
When the train finally arrived at his station he pushed toward the doors, wanting to scream when he missed the bunch getting off and got caught in the flood of people trying to board. He was going to get trapped inside this tiny metallic vessel, be stuck in here forever with all these people pressing against him, staring at him, breathing in all the air. Suddenly someone stepped aside and he squeezed through, jumping onto the platform. Breathe, breathe.
He took a short moment to calm down before hurrying toward the exit. Choosing the steps over the crowded escalator he took them two at a time, arriving at the top, sweating and out of breath. Then he continued out in the street. The polluted London air smelled fresh and cool compared to the stuffy tube. Here the crowd was a little thinner but it still made him feel uncomfortable. Only two blocks and he’d be there. Breathe, breathe.
Finally he arrived at the tall industrial building. Glass and stone. Cold and cruel. He walked swiftly across the lobby, nodding to the girl at the desk who seemed to recognise him despite his long absence. Pressing the button for the lift he watched the lighted numbers descend until the G was lighted and with a ‘ping’ and a ‘swosh’ the door opened. He stepped inside, already feeling the tight space pressing in on him. The doors closed and the cart started to move upwards. Ten floors. Breathe, breathe.
When the longed for ‘ping’ and ‘swosh’ was once again heard he was already a sweaty nervous wreck. Being the opposite of crowded the lift should have made him feel more comfortable but instead it had his heart beating faster than ever. In his mind there was a ‘clonk’ and then the lights went out and he would be trapped in the dark with his mind free to play its tricks on him. Darkness. The only thing he hated more than crowds. Quickly he stepped out on the carpeted floor. He was there. Standing still he could feel his whole body unclench, his breathing get back to normal, his heart slow down. Safe.
“Hi, Will. Haven’t seen you in ages. Where’ve you been?” The chirpy voice woke him out of his trance and he turned toward the smiling girl, forcing his own lips to curl up into the smirk he knew she expected.
“Willow. Hi. Been busy. You know how it is.” Realising he was still clutching the laptop to his side like a lunatic he let go of the bag and let it hang freely from the strap across his body. When he glanced back at her she was watching him wearily. He smiled again. “Someone tried to snatch it on the tube.”
She nodded in sympathy. “God, I know. Such bastards out there. Couldn’t live without my iBook, I’d go insane if something happened to it. Not that I’m saying you’re insane.” She blushed and he just knew that’s what she’d been thinking. The smile was frozen on his face and he wished she would go away. Instead she was staring at him. “You sure you’re all right?”
“Yes, yes. Fine. Absolutely fine. Just a bit jumpy, you know. Close call and all.” Now get out of here before I start screaming.
“Ok. Listen, this week’s pub is The King’s Head. We’d love for you to join us. Like I say, it’s been forever.”
Four months, three weeks to be exact, but who’s counting? He shook his head but kept the smile on. No need insulting old colleges. “Wish I could, but…” He left the sentence hanging, allowing her to fill it up with whatever excuse she saw fitting.
“Yeah, I know.” She rolled here eyes. “It’s a bitch.”
He smiled and nodded to whatever ‘it’ was. “Yeah. Anyway, I really have to…” He shifted his eyes to the editor’s office down the hall and she thankfully took the hint and backed off. “Nice seeing you.”
“Yeah, Will. You too. Don’t be a stranger, we all miss you.” She smiled and he watched her walk back to her cubicle, wondering what she would say about him at tonight’s drinking. Clenching his jaw he pushed the thought out of his head and headed towards Rupert’s office.
As he was about to knock on the closed door marked Rupert Giles, ed. he glanced through the glass and stopped with his fist inches from the door. Someone was sitting on the sofa on the other side of the small room. A tall man, dark hair, face hid behind the plastic fern. Nervously he glanced at his watch but he was right on time. Maybe a previous meeting had run late. He fidgeted outside the door, not sure what to do.
Rupert had told him that either he got his arse over here or any hope he had of ever getting anything published again would end. He had been lenient, he’d said, knowing Will was dealing with some personal shit he didn’t really want to know about but this was it. No more second chances. Or third or fourth or whatever number he was at after all this time. Reluctantly Will had agreed. He didn’t know what the assignment was although he assumed it was some dreadful amateur play or, even worse, a dog fair. He knew he deserved it after all the shit he’d pulled the last months. After all, how do you explain going from being the open, ready-for-anything guy to a hermit over night?
Suddenly the door swung open and he found himself face to face with his boss who was smiling although his eyes were shooting daggers. “Will! Finally!” He leaned in. “Don’t fuck this up or I’ll make sure you’ll never work at another magazine again!” The threat was hissed out between clenched teeth, the freaky smile never leaving his face. Oddly enough it calmed Will down. This he knew how to handle. This was old territory, a battle fought and won many times.
“Relax ,” he mouthed before raising his voice and adding cheerfully. “Missed you too, old man. You don’t call, you don’t write…What’s a bloke supposed to think?” Giles glared at him, both of them knowing well he’d been harassing Will almost daily for months.
“Now, now, none of that. Will, I like you to meet Liam. He’ll be your photographer on the trip. Liam O’Donnell, William Ackroyd. Will, Liam.”
Will turned toward the sofa only to stop short. The man was staring at him, looking flushed and in shock. Trying to hide his confusion Will offered his hand. “Nice to meet you, Liam.”
The man’s gaze went from Will’s face and down to his hand, seemed to shift quickly a bit further down before swallowing and standing up. Involuntarily Will took a step back. That tall muscular frame…
“You too. William.”
Time seemed to freeze. That voice. It couldn’t be… His heart was beating faster and faster and he could feel his head starting to spin. He stepped back until he bumped into Giles who cursed and then grabbed his arm when he lost his balance.
“What’s wrong with you? Stop being a ponce and …”
Giles’ whispers drowned in the screaming inside Will’s head. He was still staring at Liam, who stared back, a mixture of panic and shame playing on his face. Then he turned around and ran out of the office, only just managing to reach the restrooms and throwing open a toilet before vomiting his late lunch. Heaving for breath he heard Rupert’s curses coming closer but before he reached the door someone stopped him and there were muffled voices whispering outside. Then everything went quiet.
Will pulled himself up, flushed the toilet, closed the lid and sat down, wiping his mouth on a piece of toilet paper. Then he reached out and closed the booth, turning the lock with trembling fingers. His thoughts were too loud for him to hear, all he could register was the need to get away. To run as fast and far away as he could. Except the thing he was running from was right outside the door. He wanted to cry.
The click of the door made him freeze and he held his breath in fear. Please go away. Please, please.
“William? It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m not gonna do anything, okay?”
Like a child he drew up his feet. Maybe if Liam didn’t see them he wouldn’t know where he was. Of course there only were two booths in here…
“William… is it okay if I call you William?” When he got no answer he continued. “I… I didn’t know it was you. I swear. I never would have…” The voice trailed off and the silence vibrated in the small room. Then the thin door to the booth shook slightly and Will jumped until he realised it wasn’t opening but it seemed like Liam was leaning against it. When the voice started again it was so low he could hardly hear the words.
“God, I’m so sorry. So very, very sorry. I know they’re only words but they’re all I have. I wish I could turn back time but I can’t. I just want you to know… I never even realised what I’d really done until I saw your face just now.” The voice stopped, replaced by deep breathing. Will started to feel sick again.
“He told me, Giles, he told me you had been… depressed for a long time. Am I right in assuming I caused that?” Again Will didn’t answer him. “God, I’m so very sorry. I acted like a… Shit, I am a fucking rapist.” The voice broke off and Will thought he could hear a subdued sob. Then Liam cleared his throat and continued. “The offer still stands. If you want to report me I’ll go down there with you and…” The words hung in the air, fear dripping off them.
Will lowered his feet to the floor then stood slowly up. His hand trembled as he unlocked the door. He had been right in his assumption because Liam slightly lost his balance as the door that his forehead had been resting against swung in. Quickly he stepped back. His eyes were red and wet and his hands were clenched into tight fists by his sides.
They stood and watched each other in silence.
“Somehow I had imagined you bigger.” Will’s voice was hoarse and he cleared his throat. “Not that you’re short, I just…” He swallowed then gave a cold laugh. “I imagined you were a monster.”
“I am.” It wasn’t an excuse or a plea for mercy. Just a statement. It made Will wince.
“Look, I’m not gonna report you, I already told you that. I should but I… I really don’t need more humiliation added to my life.” He closed his eyes, his own screams of ‘Please, sir. Daddy. Please, yes!’ echoing in his head. “Let’s just drop it, okay?”
“You blame yourself.” Again a statement. Will didn’t answer, didn’t even open his eyes. “Don’t. You said no. I should have stopped.”
“I also remember saying yes.” And ‘please’ and ‘more’ and… He shivered.
“It doesn’t matter. I was out of control. I didn’t care, I just wanted to take you as hard as…” Liam stopped. “It was rape. I raped you.” His breath hitched. “God, I raped you.”
Will felt him move away and he opened his eyes. Liam looked like he was going to be sick. He was trembling, hands clutching one of the sinks.
Will blinked. “You really didn’t know.”
Liam shook his head slowly. “No. I just… I knew I had treated you badly, been too rough. I didn’t realise…”
He suddenly went green and Will quickly stepped aside as Liam ran into the booth and flicked open the lid. The sounds of heaving made him flinch. Walking over to the sink he turned on the water and waited for it to turn cold before splashing his face. Then he leaned over and swallowed a few sips of water before turning it off again. When he turned around Liam was standing in front of the booth, face ashen, hands trembling.
“Look, let’s just forget about it. Whatever you say I was to blame as well. I could have stopped you. I didn’t.” He didn’t say why. He wasn’t sure he knew. He’d been scared but that wasn’t the only reason. And he really didn’t want to explore that thought further. “We better get back or old Rupe will think…” He stopped and blushed, angry at his own careless words.
“Yeah. I’ll tell him the deal is off. I’ll make something up.”
At the same time they reached for the door. As their hands touched Will froze, the contact like a sting of electricity on his skin. They stood still, side by side, neither daring to move. Then Will stepped back.
“You go ahead. Tell him I ate some bad sushi. I’ll be out in a minute.”
Liam looked at him then nodded and went out the door. As it closed behind him Will sank down to the floor. Fuck. The back of his head banged the wall in frustration. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He could still feel the heat from Liam’s fingers on his skin. Slowly he brought the hand up to his lips then covered his face as it crumpled. A muffled sob escaped.
When he’d counted to one hundred his trembling had subsided and unsteadily he got to his feet, taking a few extra deep breaths before opening the door. He could hear voices from Giles’ office and if he could have reached the lift without passing them he would have run away. As it was he forced himself to go and join them.
“There you are. Bad sushi, eh?” Giles’ look told him he wasn’t buying it but hopefully he was as usual putting it down as too much booze or drugs last night. “Feeling better now?”
Will nodded, then reached for the laptop that he had dropped earlier. Thankfully it was well preserved inside its padded bag.
“Good, good. Liam was trying to tell me he couldn’t do the work but I managed to convince him otherwise.”
Will’s head snapped up and he stared at Liam who was avoiding his eyes. Angry, he turned to Rupert. “Look, ‘boss’. If the man says he can’t…”
“It’s not your problem, Will, is it?” Will tried to glare back but the piercing stare won over. “Good. Now, I want you to write about this incident just outside Glasgow. Gay bashing. Just your sort of thing.” If he noticed Will recoil he ignored it. “The funeral is at noon tomorrow. I don’t care how you get there just be on time. Pictures of the grieving lover would be your job, among other things.” This last sentence was directed at Liam who was looking very uncomfortable to say the least.
Will stepped back. “I don’t do that sort of thing. I do the arts; you know that. Exhibitions, music, theatre…”
“And I bet there will be some drama there tomorrow. A grand show of queens. Like I said, just your thing.” When Will opened his mouth to protest Giles’ face hardened. “Last chance, Will. And I’m not bluffing. Take it or leave it.”
Holding his stare for a minute or two Will knew he had lost. He was utterly and totally broke. He hadn’t worked for months and he owed both rent and other bills. He was actually surprised they hadn’t cut the power or water off his flat yet. With a last glare he relented with a nod.
“Good, good. You two talk then and I’ll expect you back with the story on Monday. And pictures.” He nodded toward Liam who smiled weakly and then they shook hands. Will didn’t bother, just turned around and walked out.
The lift was just closing when Liam squeezed in. Will involuntarily took a step backwards, bumping into the mirrored wall behind him. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Look, I’m sorry. I tried. I told him I just remembered a prior arrangement. He didn’t buy it. He said he knew this had something to do with you and threatened to fire you if I…” Liam swallowed. “It’s okay. We don’t need to go together. We can take different trains…”
“I don’t do trains.” Too many people. Too dark at nights. Distorted reflections in the giant windows.
“What? Ok…” Liam faltered. “Plane then. I don’t mind, he’s paying, right?”
“I don’t do planes either.” Metal prisons. Breathe, breathe.
“Ok, ok.” Liam held up his hands. “You drive then and I’ll…”
“I don’t have a car.” The panic was welling up in him.
“You don’t…? Ok. I have one. I suppose I could lend it to you. Except it’s only insured for me and…”
“I can’t drive. I mean…I have no licence.” Drunken drugged up fuckhead. Lucky he didn’t kill anyone. The air was starting to feel thin. He punched the button again and again. Liam was watching him wearily, making him sweat profusely.
“Ok. Then we’re stuck. Except if you want to ride with me. I understand if you don’t want to…” Will’s short panicky laughter made him flinch. “Of course you don’t. How about…” He bit his lip. “Sorry, I have nothing. Tell me what you want to do.”
Will kept his eyes on the numbers, fighting the panic. 5. 4. “I want to go home and drink. That would be absolutely bloody brilliant. Except I have to be in fucking Glasgow in eighteen hours. So yeah, your car it is.” If he was ever going to crash or suffocate in a lift this would be the perfect timing.
“Ok. I’ll pick you up at your place…” He cringed. “You still live there?”
“Yeah. Still.” He didn’t mention the glass of water that he’d never removed from the bedside table, the contents by now dried up grey lines twirling on the bottom. He didn’t really know why. The lift came to a stop and he hurried out as soon as the doors opened. The lobby had never looked so good. He smiled at the girl behind the desk. She smiled back uncertainly. Did it show? Could she see him?
He turned to Liam, keeping his eyes on a spot right beside his ear. “Pick me up in an hour. I’d rather get going than having to get up in the middle of the night. We can always take a quick nap when we get there.” Far, far away from each other. Different hotels would be nice.
“Sure. And since I’ll be driving you can nod off in the car. If you want.” ‘If you trust me enough to do that’ were the unspoken words.
“Sure. Whatever.” Not bloody likely.
They parted with a nod, Liam walking to his car, Will heading for another tube nightmare.
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