Note: brunettepet gave me a prompt that made me snicker immediately:

“We wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for his stupid friends. Always eggin’ him into doing things he never would have done before he met them.”

“My friends? Funny, you seemed pretty cozy with Fred last night.”

“See that? An’ he’s jealous. Always has been, always will be. He doesn’t like it when I get the attention I so rightly deserve.”

“Me, jealous of you? Now there’s a laugh. You’re the one that’s always running after me, picking through my leftovers.”

“Oh, sod off, Angelus. And I’ll be sure to tell Buffy she’s your ‘leftovers.’ I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.”

“I never said that, you’re twisting my words around. You always do that.”

“Well you always sound like a pompous git. Not like you ever listen to me anyway.”

“Why should I listen when you’re always ‘yap yap yap’ about nothing at—”

“So I’m sensing you have some trouble communicating. Angel, I don’t think you’re really hearing what Spike is trying to tell you. Spike, why don’t you try again, with no interruptions this time.”

“I can’t talk to him when he’s looking at me like that.”

….

“Yeah. Like that. He’s always giving me that look.”

“What look?”

“The ‘I wish you’d never been made, you stupid, worthless piece of—‘”

“Funny, because that’s exactly what I was—”

“Gentlemen! Settle down. We’re trying to create a safe place here, where you can express your feelings to one another without fear of recrimination.”

“Good luck with that, mate.”

“I’d never actually hurt Spike just for something he said.”

“Oh, pleeeaaase! Quit playing Doctor’s Pet. What about that time you almost staked me for callin’ you a pouf?”

“That, you deserved. And anyway, that wasn’t me.”

“Oh. Right. Doc, maybe you ought to have this one committed. In addition to being pathologically repressed, he also has multiple personalities.”

“Spike, I wanted to go back to something you said earlier. When Angel looks at you, you assume he sees something extremely flawed and lacking. What has Angel done that has given you that impression?”

“Ch. Only told me as much every day of my bleedin’ unlife.”

“Only because you never listened to me. I was trying to teach you what you needed to know to be—”

“An arrogant, humorless psychopath, just like you?”

“Hey! I have a sense of humor!”

*snort*

“Fred thinks I’m funny.”

“On occasion, Fred thinks the voices in her head are funny.”

“Well, that explains some things. You always did go for the crazy ones.”

“Pot and kettle, Peaches. And for the last bleeding time, I’m not interested in Fred, you—”

“Okay! Our time for today is up. I have some homework for you in the coming week that I think will help ease some of the miscommunication I’ve been seeing today. I want you to set aside some time when you won’t be disturbed, or feel pressured to be elsewhere. Turn off your phones, Blackberries, etc. I want you to lay down on your sides facing each other, get comfortable, and maintain eye contact. Place one hand over the other person’s heart and just breathe together, let’s say for fifteen minutes. No talking. Just be in the moment together.”

“…You’re joking, right?”

“No, Mr. Angel, I’m quite serious.”

“He’s daft. Can we eat him?”

“What? No.”

“Why not? Not as if you haven’t had a go at a human or two lately yourself.”

“They were evil.”

“Yeah. And did you hear what he wants us to do? Sounds pretty suss to me.”

“It’s a perfectly well-accepted technique used within couples counseling. It allows you to set aside everything but your deepest emotional bond, and renew the romantic connection. Who knows, it could even give you time to reflect on why you fell in love in the first place.”

“………”

“You know, on second thought, he’s looking a little evil around the mouth….”