Note: baby's first Bones fic :) I think, my first fic outside Buffy

When Zack Addy slides into the booth across from Seeley, he tries his usual tactic: passive resistance to anything resembling conversation.

It doesn’t work so well.

“I’m attracted to Hodgins,” the kid says without preamble. “And I believe he is attracted to me.” There’s a beat of silence as Booth’s eyes sweep the diner for eavesdroppers. Zack mistakes it for confusion, so he clarifies helpfully: “Attracted, sexually.”

Seeley winces. “Congratulations.”

It’s like he hasn’t even spoken. “There are some aspects of a homosexual relationship that I’m uncertain about. The intercourse, specifically.”

“Well,” Booth dodges, “if you’re not sure, you shouldn’t—”

“I understand my preference. It’s the technical aspects that are troublesome.”

Of course they are. Looking to retain his dignity, Booth tries: “Go rent some porn.”

Lips are pursed in thought. “I considered this, but I find it an inadequate solution. My understanding is that most pornography is far-fetched fantasy and has very little to do with real sexual relationships.” His eyes lock with Booth’s. “If this were scientific inquiry, I would seek out an expert, or at least someone with experience in the area. Logic holds that this should work here.”

Booth is getting a headache. “This is not….” Something clicks. “Wait. Woah-woah, you’re asking me?”

Zack just gives him this look, somehow blank and sarcastic all at once. It’s annoying as hell when he does that. The staring continues until Seeley’s skin crawls.

“I’m not—”

“It’s not unusual for straight men to experiment with gay sex in a time of war. The loneliness, danger and fear of isolation combined with a common bond of shared experience—strong emotions surface. Or barring that, men get horny.”

The kid concludes that curveball by blinking at him expectantly. Great. This the kid knows, but he can’t figure out where to stick it or how.

Booth sighs, eyes ticking towards the window. “What do you want to know…exactly?”

“I’m concerned about the practical mechanics.”

Booth’s hand covers his eyes. “Meaning?”

“It seems less intuitive than sex between a man and a woman. I understand, of course, that penetration takes place anally, but it seems…it seems as though….” The stiff, professionally-distanced speech stutters out on a wave of uncertainty.

And suddenly Seeley understands the problem.

“You’re wondering how it…goes.” There’s a vulgar hand gesture and helpful sound effects, and the blush it brings to Zack’s face makes him grin. If he’s going to be stuck playing teacher here, he’s gonna get some laughs out of the deal.

The smile drops from his face when Zack launches in with, “Yes. Specifically, I’m concerned about anal tearing. I know that can be a serious health risk, and anal tearing is slow to heal and prone to infection, for obvious reasons. I was wondering if there was a way to prevent—”

Booth leans across the table and whispers urgently, “Okay, stop-stop saying ‘anal tearing.’ That’s not really something you should say in a restaurant. Or, you know…ever.” He waits for a nod of understanding before leaning back in his seat. “And, it doesn’t have to be that way. I mean, sometimes things get rough but you shouldn’t let him—” Suddenly, Booth gets a high-def surround-sound image of Zack and Hodgins going at it, and quickly backs off that line of thought. “Or…anyone…hurt you like that. Just, you know, use lots of lubricant.”

Comprehension dawns on the kid’s face. “To ease the entry. I should have known. It’s often used in vaginal sex if—”

Seeley blows a breath towards the ceiling and mutters. “God save me from the squints.”

“What was that, Agent Booth?”

“Nothing. So there you go, lubricant! Are we done here?” He slides to the side to stand and make a run for it, but he gets a look of censure.

“Not hardly. I would think that even with lubricant, there would be pain upon the initial entry. The dimensions—”

Booth tries to shield his face from the rest of the diner, because Zack doesn’t come with volume control. “There’s also…stretching,” he hisses.

A quizzical look. Another furtive hand gesture. Bingo, recognition.

“Oh! And this actually works?”

There’s anxiety underneath the tightly controlled emotion, and Seeley feels something in him soften towards the kid. “If you’re patient, yeah. It’ll probably still hurt a bit the first time.”

“Is that how it was when you….”

Booth’s face is as blank as his mind. “When I what?”

“The first time you….” The kid makes a frustrated noise. “Took the female role in sexual intercourse.”

Booth’s eyes flare wide. His laugh has a nervous edge. “Ok, first of all. First of all, don’t call it…. It’s not…. ‘Bottoming.’ Call it bottoming.”

Zack mouths the word to himself.

“Second of all, I don’t do that. Got it? I mean, didn’t. I didn’t do that. Ever. So just…. I was strictly a top.”

“Oh. I understand.”

Seeley wonders when his life began to revolve around guessing the minds of super-geniuses. “What? You understand what?”

“There’s a negative social stigma attached to ‘bottoming.’”

“Yeah….” he says on reflex, just a thinking noise, then follows it up quickly with “No!” because as badly as he wants out of this conversation, he doesn’t really want to scar the kid for life. “No. There’s no stigma.”

“Then I don’t understand why you were so adamant about your own position.”

“It’s….” He should really get hazard pay for dealing with these people. “Okay, there is sort of a stigma, in the military.” He pauses. “And in prison. But…those things don’t apply to you, right? You can do whatever you want. No stigma.” He breathes a sigh of relief at the understanding on Zack’s face. So he could kick himself when he suddenly blurts, “In fact, I bet you’ll like bottoming.”

Where the HELL did that come from? He reaches for his coffee mug out of embarrassment.

The frown on Zack’s face is instantaneous and immoveable. “Is this because I’m ‘young and pretty’?”

Seeley chokes on his coffee, and Zack waits him out patiently while he coughs and wheezes. “Where, um. Where did you hear that?”

“A friend of my father’s said it to me once. Objectively, I thought he was mistaken, but I assume there must be standards in the gay community I’m unaware of.” His face crumples in a frown again as he adds, “He was overweight and he smelled funny.”

Booth is kind of at a loss. “Well, that’s, um….I mean, you’re….” He’s suddenly struck with inspiration. “Hey! Isn’t this the kind of thing you should be discussing with Hodgins? Privately?”

Zack looks concerned. “Is it?”

“Yeah!” Booth declares with gusto. “Yeah, I mean, who’s topping is just one of many…decisions that need to be made, you know…privately, between just the two of you. It’s very personal. And private. So maybe you should just….”

“Would it offend Jack if he knew I had come to you with this matter?”

Inside, Booth is cheering victory. “Maybe….” He draws the word out, full of skepticism. “But I won’t tell him if you won’t.”

For a moment, Zack’s face relaxes in normal, youthful relief. “Thank you, Agent Booth! If I had known it was frowned upon, I wouldn’t have—”

Seeley stretches out in the booth, feeling magnanimous. “Yeah, well, you’re a good kid.” Now run along is implied, and apparently felt, since Zack slides to his feet.

But Seeley withholds relief when Zack hovers near the table, staring at him as though working up to another question.

Finally he gives up. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering…I mean, I have no one else to talk to about this kind of thing…. I could never ask Dr. Brennan…..”

Booth nearly snorts at the idea of the kid asking Bones about the joys of gay sex. Then it clicks what Zack is hinting around.

He rubs a hand over his eyes. He’s going to regret this later, but—

“Yeah, sure, if it’s, like, an emergency, I can….”

A Big Gay Emergency. Man, if the guys at the Bureau ever catch wind of that….

But the kid looks like a weight’s been lifted, and he nods and walks away.

Seeley watches him dance awkwardly with the waitress as he runs into her on his way out. Then he thinks about trading in his coffee for some scotch.